Edge of a Cliff

Well, it’s been a while. 

My last post was all about getting priorities straight for this year, giving more time to writing and working on this blog. And, oh look, we have already hit April! And oh look, I haven’t posted since January …

The last few months have been difficult and confusing, and although I wouldn't say my priorities have gone completely out of whack, I have continued to feel stuck with life and that I haven’t always had my priorities in the right order. Work has been fraught and stressful. I have been overloaded and bombarded with a never-ending list of things to do. Every day has started early and hasn't let up until far later in the evening than I would have liked. Being busy throughout the week has continued into the weekends leaving little time to unwind before a new week begins. This has meant that the time I would have liked to dedicate to this blog, music and just writing in general has been sparse. When it did appear I felt as if I was being forced to spend time on my hobbies. Needless to say I began to resent them. Am I alone in this?

This blog has been a sort of pillar for me. I get to vent and share my experiences, whether they be frustrations or full of excitement. But I have always wanted it to be a place where I could highlight the joy in life, in spite of any pain or unhappiness. I have wanted it to be a source for others to see that life doesn’t need to end when something terrible happens. 

I have had to remind myself of that.

Besides the crazy chaotic-ness of school, and perhaps what has had more of an impact on my life, my family has hit a rough patch. My grandfather came over to attend my brother’s graduation back in the summer. Our dad not being able to be there was obviously a painful experience but having our grandad there somewhat softened the occasion. And, our brother got to have his own cheering squad consisting of his two sisters and girlfriend! We are proud to say that we started the cheers in the Cathedral. Our brother was apparently less than impressed, even though he definitely smiled! Anyway, we noticed at this time that our grandad wasn’t quite himself. 

Sadly, by the time my graduation came around our grandad was too sick to travel over to attend it. Thankfully, my uncle took the role of representative, which was incredibly sweet and touching, and made the ceremony more bearable. But my grandad’s absence just placed a greater emphasis on the fact my dad wasn’t there. 

About a month ago things got serious. My aunt had been flying back and forth to the Isle of Man to make sure our grandad was being looked after and try and sort things out, but as a family we had to start discussing a move to Cyprus for potentially better care. However, before any plans were concrete and had been set in motion, our grandad had passed away. 

With five weeks to go we had frantically planned on going to the Isle of Man for a week to spend some time with him as we knew he really wasn’t doing too well and a move to Cyprus was looking more than likely. But a week to visit turned into a trip for a funeral. 

The whole time we were on the island was difficult. There were memories of being with our dad as children, taking us to all of the places he spent as a child or youth himself, where he, his cousins and our aunt played. We have been to some of these places since his death but they still held some raw emotions, which I'm sure will always be the case. On top of memories with our dad were the memories we had with our grandad. Going on train rides and walks around the island, stopping off in many coffee shops, going out for meals and many more. With other family members still on the island we had lots of people to catch up with too. It was somewhat overwhelming.

In typical British weather fashion, the Isle of Man tends to be the home to a lot of wind and rain. We were definitely treated to a lot of it, including hail, at which time we were thankful to be inside and awaiting food! Each time we go we are armed with warm clothes, scarves, umbrellas and winter coats. Hairbrushes are also packed but rarely used due to hair being just as tangled as it was prior to any attempt of brushing out the knots. Soon, even washing hair seems too much effort. Dry shampoo was made for the Isle of Man, people, I promise!

However, on the day of the funeral the weather seemed far from rainy and windy. It was not gloomy at all in fact. To unwind a little from an emotionally draining morning and afternoon, our family went on a hike up Bradda Head with our aunt, uncle and cousins. It is a special place to all of us for many reasons and it seemed appropriate to climb to the top on that day of the week particularly. Whilst the 'adults' waited on one of the many benches overlooking the idyllic scenery, us 'young' cousins ventured to the top of Milner’s Tower, and even to the edge of the cliff. Believe me, the opportunity for photos from up there is well worth the shaky legs afterwards, even if we got a little out of breath.  

Sitting close to the edge of the cliff, trying to one-up my brother, I sat looking out at the ocean surrounding the island. It was spectacular. I remember thinking about how rough and choppy the sea had been for the few days before that day. It was such a contrast to how calm and still the waves were in that moment. The sun was glorious as it was beginning to set. There was only a gentle breeze in the air and it all seemed very fitting. As Psalm 30:5 says "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning".

The time we spent with our cousins that week, and on this hike specifically, seemed to breathe a little life back into me. We were all so exhausted by the events of the week that just being together was what we needed, or at least that is how it felt to me. Just laughing together and taking pictures of a place we have all grown up to admire and love was perfect. 

Sometimes life is hard. And sometimes it is even harder. But, then there are moments that just bring a perspective to it all. Despite the fact that a key member (or rather two) of our family wasn’t with us as we made our way to the top joking and reminiscing about the past, we had a rare week where we were all in the same place at the same time. We spent part of everyday together just enjoying each others’ company. 

It was a hard week, but I am so glad for that time together. We got to talk and plan for the times we have to look forward to. And in the pain of loss, we were reminded of the joy that is ahead for us all in the future. 

(Please feel free to comment on the blog and if there is anyone reading these posts that would like to email me to share their stories or experiences, then please do - thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com - I would love to hear from you!) 

Stop Worrying About What Others Think

There is always going to one person that disagrees with you or what you are doing. Let's just put that out there straight away!

We go through life doing whatever it is that we do. For me, I teach (no clever comments about how all I do is finger-paint or "those who can't do teach"), I am involved with my church, I love ice-hockey and country music just to rattle off a few things. From these, there are a multitude of things that people disagree with. For example; my sister probably couldn't care less about ice-hockey, my brother is one of those people who is convinced that teaching is a 9 - 3 job ..... and all you do is finger-paint, a lot of people will choose to dislike my choice in music because the 'country twang' makes them cringe and the biggie, many have criticised me for my faith.

I'm sure you have heard this before - but stop worrying about what others think! If I let other opinions bother me, and at times they do - trust me, then I wouldn't 'be me' anymore (cliche!!!). Honestly, all I have to do is hear a deep southern voice or listen to a hockey game to hear the puck sliding across the ice and I feel relaxed. I understand others may not feel the same way, but that doesn't mean it makes it any less relaxing for me. It doesn't mean I have to change what I enjoy to suit them and make them feel satisfied.

My faith, is just that. It's mine. Yes, I believe what I believe and if you want to question me about it then go right ahead - I won't hold back and I'd love to share. But at the same time, I hate the perception that all Christians are indoctrinating people. We're not. At least we really shouldn't be! I share my faith where I can, but I recognise that it may not be something that others agree with, and I accept that.

So same for you! Choose to enjoy what you enjoy and what matters to you. If you are constantly looking for the seal of approval from those that surround you I guarantee you will be left disappointed. Don't let their opinions sway who you are - stand firm in what you believe. We are all different, and isn't that what is so great! We also have our own beliefs and opinions. They may not be shared beliefs and opinions, but we all need to respect that about one another, and show a little more love and kindness. Just because we stop worrying about other opinions doesn't mean we disrespect the people with the opinions!

I honestly believe that life can be lived to the fullest when we start living and seeking out life, as opposed to worrying about the negative things that others think of us. I challenge you to do the same and to challenge your friends to do the same with you! :)


(Please feel free to comment on the blog and if there is anyone reading these posts that would like to email me to share their stories or experiences, then please do - thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com - I would love to hear from you!) 

One Year On

There are many cliches that go along with death. One that I have heard a lot is "time heals". Firstly, it doesn't heal. Think about it, you lose someone you love and yep, wait a year and you'll be hunky dory! Hate to break it to you but it just doesn't happen like that. Yes, there are advantages to time passing. With time comes distance. Distance from the event. Distance that helps blur it all a little bit (for lack of a better phrase) and give you a chance to find a new normal. That's another one - "things will never be normal again". This one used to make me laugh - seriously, is that not a given? 'Normal' changes and adapts as you and your circumstances do and the event kind of becomes a part of you and your life.

It is the now the sixth anniversary of losing my dad. So crazy that we are already at six years! In the past six years, life has carried on (ooh, another cliche ;) - although very true). My family and I have adapted to our new normal by plodding on with our lives. It has not been easy. There have been many tears and fights, but a lot of laughs too. We have fought to stay strong when all we wanted to do was crumble (and still crumble). We have pushed each other away and held onto each other when no one else has been there.

I know I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have felt really let down by the people around me. People I thought could and should have been there for us instead of (literally at times) crossing the street to avoid us, forgetting the anniversaries or birthdays, or walking straight passed us without so much as a hello, all because they thought a picture on the wall was enough, or having family as leaders in our church meant we had someone looking after us. It was even said that they weren't there because they thought others had it covered.

If there is one thing that I need to take away from all of this, and should share (and in the words of Hunter Hayes), it's that you can't love too much. If you know, or even suspect that someone is hurting, don't just assume that someone else will be there for them. Go out of your own way to do something to help.

Another year on and being let down still hurts. Losing my dad still hurts. But I am learning to be grateful for the time I had with him. The obnoxiously loud laugh he had and his cheesy grin. There were ups and downs, but he was my dad and I miss him. I have hit milestones that I wish he could have been here to see and be a part of. But with time also comes new experiences and I could have chosen to not carry on with life so that he wouldn't miss out on them. But then I wouldn't be living. I want to experience what life has to offer, even if that means that it's hard at times.

I encourage you, if you have ever gone through a similar experience to do the same - experience life. Maybe you won't feel like doing it right away. Maybe it will take a few years. That's okay! But eventually, you'll get there. Remember, don't be afraid to ask for help or even for a friend to just grab a coffee with you. You'll be surprised how good it feels to smile and laugh for five minutes! And eat cake and ice-cream!!

So, one year on, the purpose behind this blog remains the same. I want to share my experiences in the hopes of helping and encouraging others. Despite being written a year ago, the following words still ring true - whatever you are going through or have been through, or even will go through, there is life out there - you just have to go out there and find it!


(Please feel free to comment on the blog and if there is anyone reading these posts that would like to email me to share their stories or experiences, then please do - thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com - I would love to hear from you!) 

Chapter By Chapter

I'm sure you have heard it said that your life is like a book, and you are writing your own story a chapter at a time. I'm sure you've also heard it said, or at least read if you've read some of my previous posts (I'm really hoping there are other people reading this ...), that I'm not completely convinced that I am doing what I'm meant to be doing - but really who is, right?

In Philippians 4:11, a verse that has quickly become one of my favourites, Paul speaks of how he has learnt to be content with wherever he is in life (and he didn't exactly live a life of luxury) - something we should do also. I admit it's often tough to feel happy when feeling out of place and feeling unsupported in what you really want to do. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you too have friends - family even - that discourage your ambitions and dreams. Maybe your story at the moment is just a chapter in your life. But in some way, doesn't that offer a little comfort? That one day, this chapter will end and a new one will begin?

I'm sure authors agonise over some of their chapters whilst they find others an absolute breeze to write. Similarly, readers probably fly through some chapters yet find others boring to read. And in this way, our lives really are like books. Some chapters are really easy to get through. They are gripping and exciting, filled with new experiences. However, there are also some chapters that simply aren't the same. They may seem endless and difficult, and they may suck. But remember, just like in a book, chapters end.

Wherever we are in our lives, there is always something else about to happen - whether it be good or bad. But I believe that there is a reason behind everything we go through, even if it is not evident at the time. We get through life like we get through a book - chapter by chapter.



thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com

Struggles in Celebrations

So, clearly the first post in a while. Needless to say that life got a bit busy - and it doesn't seem like it will be letting up anytime soon - although now it's summer and time to relax amongst being busy (if that even makes sense)!

The last couple of months have been filled with milestones. I turned 21, applied and interviewed for my first job and this week brought the end of 3 years of slaving for my degree - Hallelujah! Not going to lie, I'm very happy to have finished university! However, it was, along with getting my first job and turning 21, far more emotional than I had planned or anticipated. Each were a reminder that my dad wasn't around to celebrate with - which sucked. No other way around it. It just quite frankly sucked! I saw many of my friends celebrate with both parents, and also saw others celebrate with just one, or even by themselves. But ultimately, my dad was one of the first people that I wanted to celebrate with. For all his faults, I know how excited he would've been that I got my first job and will be graduating university with a degree. I can imagine his smile, laugh and his tears (hopefully of happiness - but also sadness because I won't be graduating with a 100% mark ;) ) that he would have had on his face when telling him. 

Maybe this year will be more of a reminder of him not being here because of what is happening, and each milestone that passes feels amazing and also like being crushed by a tonne of bricks, but all of it helps. And that's what needs to be remembered. With each moment of success and failure that dredges up old memories and feelings, as well as developing new ones, helps to heal wounds a little bit more. Maybe slowly, but surely. That cliche that says 'time heals', whilst I wouldn't necessarily say it is completely true because I don't think time can ever heal losing a parent, I can see how it has helped to bring some peace, acceptance and even some hope.

That being said, time also brings new pain. Today, being Father's Day has never really got to me before. But for some reason, it really hurt today. Perhaps because of this week finding out my results and knowing how proud my dad would've been. But whatever I go through, I have to remind myself (or at least let someone else remind me, because, let's face it, I am quite stubborn) that it's all part of the process. It helps the grief, which I have come to learn is an ongoing process and doesn't happen overnight. Being strong doesn't mean never crying. It doesn't mean never needing to talk about your feelings. It means owning how you're feeling and knowing that it's okay to struggle even in times of happiness and celebration. 

Life is a Roller Coaster of Emotion

This week has been emotional to say the least. And by saying this, it doesn't mean I spent the week sobbing. It was a mixture of emotions - both happy and sad, often all happening at once!

One of the big issues this week was that I was able to resolve a lot of issues relating to my dad .... It was not easy; it was awkward and a little painful to rehash everything I had felt over the past 5 years. But, it was needed. Boy, was it needed! For some reason (I can honestly say hand on heart that I don't know why it had become such an issue for me) I had grown to resent certain people for not being around when I felt they should've been. There was a great deal of bitterness, anger and disappointment that I had been, and was still feeling. However, I had been wondering for a long time what I could do to get over it. I had thought about just leaving it alone and letting it all fizzle out. But that never really get's anyone anywhere, does it? So, the only option I could see was to confront the issue and speak to these people. Believe me, I was terrified. I knew I had a point, but I was still incredibly nervous as to what their reaction would be and what they would come back to me with.

Anyway .... after about 4 and a half months, I finally managed to organise a time to meet and discuss some of the issues and questions I had with them. Thankfully, although I didn't see it at the time, I only had about 6 hours to stew and stress about what I was going to say and hear. This seriously was a blessing in disguise, because if I had had more time, say a day or the weekend, I would have been so stressed and worked up about it that I probably would have just cancelled. I know I was the one who had asked for the meeting, but the closer it got, the more terrified I was. Thankfully, again, an amazing friend of mine (you know who you are!!) encouraged me to keep the meeting and to not back out. She knew how much it meant to me and how important it was that I went through with it.

Cutting a long conversation short, a lot of questions were answered. So much was discussed and I left feeling a lot more comfortable with the whole situation, even if there will still be some unwanted feelings simmering away for a little while. However, it was nice to just sit and listen to these people and hear some stories that they remembered about my dad. They got to see a different side to him and it was good to be reminded of this. 

My point here is that I had to deal with the lemons life handed to me, and I honestly have no clue if I have made lemonade with them or not. But, what I do know is this . . . if I had just left the whole thing to sort itself out, it would have just eaten me away. And I couldn't live feeling bitter and angry every time I saw these people anymore. It wasn't healthy for anyone. So, if there is an issue that you know is eating you away, it is not worth letting it consume you. You need to deal with it in a kind way. This doesn't mean you punch someone because they have done something to you that you don't necessarily like. Believe me, there have been moments where even I have thought this would help! But the old cliché is true: violence is never the answer!

Like I have said before, everything happens for a reason - and sometimes it can be really hard to see what that reason may be. But you have to persevere and try to overcome any obstacles you may face. Because there is life out there, and we have to keep going, no matter how hard it gets. There are people that depend on us, just like there are people that we depend on. We have to fight to stay in the game - even if that means facing some awkward situations head on.

(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

Everything Happens For A Reason

There are many times when I catch myself thinking; I wish things would go back to the way they were before.

A lot has happened in my life over the past 5/6 years. Everything with my dad, uni, Africa ....... But I do sometimes think about how things would have turned out if my dad hadn't died. Obviously that would mean that he would still be around. And yes, I do wish he was still here. But I also know how I was feeling in the years that led up to him getting sick and dying. My relationship with him, whilst not completely hostile, was not idealistic either. He spent a lot of time working, and this work ethic, I guess, has rubbed off a bit on me. I like doing well on assignments - don't necessarily like writing them (especially over Christmas ..... Uni, do you hear me?!?!) - but hey, who really does?! Due to working so much, he often just sat down in front of the TV when he got home and I began to resent him for this. He never really took the time to learn all the things a dad should know about me. He never had very deep conversations with me. I rarely spent any one-on-one time with him. Whenever my mum was working for the day, and he was looking after us, I'm pretty sure that he took us to the same places every time. As I grew older, I guess I became more bolshie and stubborn, which meant that we ended up clashing even more. Eventually, all I wanted to do was move as far away from him as possible, and with uni approaching at the time, I was thinking about this option more and more.

I hated the fact that he would become so engrossed with the football game on TV. I hated that he was so concerned about our elbows being on the table even after we had all finished eating. I hated that spilling a glass of water meant you had just committed the most heinous of crimes. The list was continuing to grow and it was growing more and more suffocating.

I know that if he were still here, I probably wouldn't still be at home. I would have more than likely ran off to some far away place to pursue a career that would mean I had to go abroad to work, just so I wouldn't have to face him everyday.

Just because I am relaying the bad aspects of my relationship with my dad does not mean that I couldn't care less that he is gone. Like I have said before, I do wish he were here still, after all he was my dad and I miss him. I wish he could see what I have accomplished so far in my life. I have thought about everything that I have done, and how differently it would have panned out if he were still alive. But at the end of the day, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason - that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Yes, what my family and I went through was horrific and terrible. No, I would never wish for anyone else to go through the same thing. And unfortunately, people do go though terrible things that are heartbreaking and devastating. But maybe they happen just to make us stronger. Maybe just to help us understand and help us empathise with others around us. Maybe just to encourage us to see, recognise and appreciate the beauty and the happiness that does exist.

My dad also had a really brilliant side to him. He could be the life and soul of a party. He had the loudest laugh (something my sister seems to have inherited). And this side of him was so joyful and fun to be around. I just wish there were more moments that I got to see this side of him!

Life could be different. And in one sense it can't be. My dad isn't alive anymore, and I can't change that. I can't change what we went through. But it another sense, life will be different. I will make it different. I will and still can do things that will make my life different for the better, not just for me, but for my family, friends and those around me.

This Christmas, my brother bought me a book that was on my 'wish list', Let's All Be Brave by Annie F. Downs (I may have only read the first couple of chapters, but I highly recommend it!). Anyway, one particular paragraph stood out to me in the first chapter. It read as follows:

"Your life, start to finish, is a map. And we are HERE. That's all I know. I don't know where you've been and I don't know where your map will take you. I only know there will be moments when you feel like the map has turned or changed and moments when you realise you've read this map wrong all along. You will crumple it up and throw it down, only to return to it for direction ..."

How true is this?! We don't know where our lives will take us. We have to have faith and trust that they will turn out okay, and we have to accept that life does not turn out as planned! But, we can know for sure that in life, everything happens for a reason - God never gives us more than we can handle (even though it so often feels like he does!). I never thought my family would have to experience cancer so personally, but we did. Whilst there are things in our lives we may want to change, we have to understand that it is not always possible to do so. Sometimes, if you want to see the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain!

Erin x

(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

Oh Tanzania!

This time last year I was in Tanzania. As part of my degree, we had the opportunity to experience teaching in an alternate setting, so obviously I had to choose one of the more expensive options and go to Africa. It was all totally and completely worth it!

Obviously, the chance to go abroad to teach was very popular, so we had to apply for a place. The stress levels in doing this! When we eventually found out that we had been chosen for a place for the trip, we only had around 5 weeks until we actually flew out. Anyone who has planned a trip abroad has mostly likely done so with more than 5 weeks preparation and would probably agree that this is a ridiculous amount of time to plan a trip to Africa for a week, let alone a month. However, we managed it - I honestly don't know how, I think we were running around like headless chickens during this period - but we managed it! We had all our vaccinations, bought our malaria tablets, got all the mosquito nets and sleeping bags that we needed, bought a load of appropriate clothing for the Tanzanian weather (not an easy task when it was winter!) and gathered a tonne of resources that we would need for our lessons. Overall, it was really stressful!

At our welcoming party (naturally I found the NHL hoody!)

Despite the rush of getting ready for this trip, the entire time in Africa was amazing! We stayed at an orphanage that was connected to a church and the school at which we taught. Mama and Pastor and everyone else at the orphanage were incredibly welcoming, which made it really easy to get used to our new surroundings! The whole toilet/shower situation was one aspect that may have taken longer to get used to! We definitely take running water and flushing toilets for granted - I figured this out when we got overly excited and started crying after finding a flushing toilet (okay, maybe that was just me!). 

Rain coats definitely came in handy!

When you think about living in Africa, I bet the first thing you think of is the heat, right? Well, it rained A LOT in Tanzania. And every time it did, we lost power! Pretty sure this happened almost every day or so! Eventually you get used to it - that is until you hear a bug buzzing around near where you are sitting and then being in the dark becomes a little too much. Thankfully, the group that went to Tanzania the year before ours suggested we invest in some head torches. We did, and they came in very handy with the amount of power cuts we had!

Busting a move . . .

All the children at the orphanage were always so happy and excited to see us! We spent a lot of time playing with them outside - which mostly consisted of them stealing our phones and cameras to take hundreds of selfies!! They also taught us to dance (move over Beyonce!) - which came in handy when a few of us joined in with the dancing in the church service. Their church was very lively and praised like they had no distractions. They took great pride in their beliefs and didn't care that we were there, they just encouraged and welcomed us to join in! 

Our attempt at cooking bites!

The food we ate consisted of bread, rice and spaghetti. We had these three things every day!! (Having lasagne as my first meal when I arrived back in England wasn't the smartest of ideas!) We also had chapatis quite often - just because we kept asking for them. They are delicious. We were taught how to cook them along with bites, which are very similar in taste to doughnuts - just a little drier. In exchange, we introduced our new friends to garlic butter, which went down pretty well!  

Goofing around with Standard 3.

The teaching itself was intense. Out of the four weeks we spent in Tanzania, two were spent teaching. We ended up being left with the entire school, over 100 pupils between six of us. Whilst I found this incredibly daunting initially, I feel it greatly benefitted my practice and ability to be versatile in my teaching and lessons! Although, when it came to the Kiswahili lessons (their equivalent on English lessons) I just either ended up letting them teach me Swahili, or using the time finish off the learning from another lesson. 

Planning and teaching lessons in Tanzania is completely different to planning and teaching in England. In Tanzania, we managed to buy some teacher planning books, where only 1 page is allocated for each lesson. Many teachers may feel that this is not an adequate amount of space for each lesson, but it was pure bliss! There was so much less pressure to plan the 'perfect' lesson. But that didn't mean our lessons weren't great (even if i do say so myself)! Honestly, I would spend probably no more than 15 minutes maximum on thinking, planning and writing out a lesson, and I would feel comfortable teaching any of these in primary schools in England. In comparison to planning now, I spend probably a couple of hours on each lesson! I get really pedantic about the whole thing, especially if it is for an observation lesson, which just piles on a whole extra amount of pressure! We get told at uni that the time we spend planning will decrease as we grow in experience and get used to having our own class. I really really really hope it does!

Ba-na-na, Ba-na-na-na!

In addition to the teaching, we were able to travel around and do some amazing things! We went to the local markets and saw an abundance of bananas (literally - I have never seen soooo many!!), and we bought some beautiful fabric that was turned into skirts, trousers and bags for us!! 

The beautiful Martha!

Also, where we were in Tanzania meant we could see Mount Kilimanjaro - so one of the amazing girls that we met (Martha) woke us up at 6am to see it. Soo incredible! I wish we had more time so that we could have climbed Kili, even if only for an hour! ;)

We debated whether to plan a trip to Zanzibar for the final weekend, or whether to go on safari. Going on safari won, so we decided to go to a hotel for the final week!

At the Honey Badger Lodge!

Zebra crossing ;)

We visited Lake Manyara and Tarangire National Park. Both were spectacular! At Lake Manyara, we had elephants walking in an arm's reach of the safari truck - which was beyond awesome! We saw so many incredible animals from elephants to giraffes, water-hogs to antelopes, a lion to baboons. Sure you can see some of them in your local zoo, but seeing them in their natural habitat is way better! And being on a safari truck is an experience in itself - I lost count of the amount of bruises I got and the amount of times I hit my head! :)

Real-life Jungle Book!

One of the nights on safari was spent camping in Tarangire National Park. Was not as bad as it sounds. The tents were really big and we had flushing toilets and showers!!! However, we did have members of the Maasai tribe guarding us throughout the night just incase any wild animal decided to get close to the camp! The Maasai tribe also welcomed us to the camp with their traditional chanting and jumping - when it is dark and they jump and scream in your face, it is both funny and terrifying!

Members of the Maasai tribe.

After our safari trip, we spent the day in Moshi, where some serious souvenir shopping was done!! I possibly spent a ridiculous amount of money of souvenirs, but in my defence, they were not all for me. They were presents and gifts for friends and family! Nevertheless - my suitcase, whilst lighter from the lack of resources, was a little full when flying back to England!

Amazingly, this all survived the journey home!

Just thinking about the whole trip now, I am so grateful that it happened! There were plenty of times where I was homesick, particularly when FaceTime decided to work intermittently. But I know that it was a once in a lifetime trip! That being said - I am desperate to and am sure I will go back to Africa, not just to Tanzania, but also to a load of the other African countries! It is such a beautiful place and all the people we met were so happy and grateful themselves! They may not have all that we take for granted and get distracted by, but they were content in the lives that they lived. 

We have so much choice, that even choosing a brand of hot chocolate takes serious thought and consideration. This trip showed me that you do not need all the latest gadgets and gizmos to be happy. I know, it's easy to say this when they are so available and accessible to us! But when did we decide that focussing on material wealth was what life was about? The people around us are more valuable than any phone or laptop. The relationships we have, the way we act and treat others holds more importance than any salary we could get! 

Tanzania highlighted to me the importance of faith and family. I saw how much pride the church family that welcomed us with open arms had! They were bold in their faith and encouraged us to be the same! They supported their families and friends and made me appreciate all of the people in my life much more.

There are once in a lifetime trips. And then there are once in a lifetime trips that change your life. Tanzania was the latter! Just being able to say I have been to Africa - something I had always wanted to do, but never thought would actually happen - proves that you can do great things, go to foreign and unfamiliar places and meet new people even after going through what I have. There is life out there, and I can still do amazing things with my life, no matter what adversities I may face! There is still so much beauty to be found in life - and if we accept it, we all have the opportunity to find it!

Erin x

(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

My Worth Won't Come From Any Guy

How many times do we sit watching movies that are all lovey-dovey and happy and wish that we ourselves were the characters?! We want to be that girl who gets noticed by the overly sickeningly handsome guy (Ryan Gosling/Zac Efron/Channing Tatum - the list could go on and on); or be the shy guy who gets the most popular girl. We want to get swept off our feet and be madly in love and all that!

What is wrong with this picture? Are we not enough? Can we only be complete when we are in a relationship?

I'm currently single. And I don't feel like this is a bad thing. But I feel that society puts a certain stigma on those who are single. If you're single then you have probably been told that there must be something wrong with you! How about NO?! How about we just go with the fact that, at least for me, I am currently single because I have yet to meet anyone who I feel I want to get into a relationship with. This doesn't mean that I have something terribly wrong with me (although others may have a different opinion about this - namely my brother and sister!). Perhaps I am just such an amazing catch that no one has fit the bill just yet. Okay, so I'm clearly exaggerating here!! But why do I have to be in a relationship to not have something wrong with me; to be complete?

How does a relationship validate me as a woman, or an individual, or even a human being? When did we begin to believe that being in a relationship is what gives someone value?

It's so sad to think that this is the message that the younger generations are growing up with and hearing. The perception that they are not enough on their own. That their worth will be validated when they have a relationship. If this is what they are getting from us, then it's easy to see why so many young people are fan-girling over celebrities. Surely, the more well-known and liked, the more famous a guy is, the more well-liked they will be. The more they will be worth right? WRONG!

A relationship does nothing to validate you as a person! I'm not saying they are bad things at all!!! Obviously, I wouldn't mind being in a relationship. But at the same time - I won't rush into anything because there is the pressure of finding someone and realising my worth. I have worth. I, me, the individual that I am has worth. If I end up being in a relationship, I will still have this same worth! I may feel more valuable because of the guy I'm in the relationship with, but that does not negate any worth I had prior, or even after the relationship! And it's the same for all of us. For you. You are worth a whole lot more than you think even if you are not currently in a relationship. You are an awesome person with something to contribute to society and to the world that we all live in!

I guess my faith has a large part to play in my thinking on this subject. I find my worth in God, that He created me and knew me before I was born. I recognise that not everyone shares this view. But at the end of the day, if God thinks that I am enough as the individual that I am, then that's good enough for me. I can live my life saying, 'Hey look at me - I am awesome and have plenty of worth and value!'. I can do great things with my life whether I am single or in a relationship. My value and worth is not defined by the guy I am or am not in a relationship with!

Erin x

(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

Just Keep Swimming . . .

Do you ever have moments in your life when you feel it's all getting a little bit too much? You know, when someone you love and trust says something that is hurtful and confusing, or when school/uni/work or whatever gets too stressful and busy, or even when everything just feels as though it's all going wrong?

I have plenty of them! We all have moments like this! Maybe not everyday. Maybe everyday. But we all have them at some point.

For example, for the past two years of my university degree, my stress limits have soared! Assignment after confusing assignment always seem to turn me into a ball of worry! But what's the point in worrying and stressing? At the end of all the assignments, pointless directed tasks and repetitive readings I will have a degree (hopefully anyway). Hard work pays off in the end. Putting in the work now will provide me with more opportunities later on. I don't necessarily know whether teaching is the career I want to have for the rest of my life, or if I want to take a completely different career path. But I do know that having my degree will help me along the way. And that puts things into perspective a little bit.

A metaphor that has spoken volumes to me over the years is that of a painting. Looking at a painting  closely means it is difficult to see it as a whole. Stepping further away gives a whole new perspective - it shows the bigger picture. Isn't this the same for life in general? When we are in the thick of a situation, it's hard to understand why we are gong through it, or what the purpose of it may be. But as life carries on ticking by, perhaps more light is shed as to why we were in that situation. It's always easier to look back at an event than it is to go through it. But that's the point of hindsight. You can only understand a situation once you have been through it and come out the other side.

Stress only leads to more stress and often, at least for me, procrastination (a relative of mine once told me that I put the 'pro' in procrastination - it's true!). But that does not benefit us in any way at all! It only makes matters worse!

We all have our own ways of dealing with stress and issues. For me personally, my faith has always been pivotal. My gran used to have a plaque that read: "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers." Jokingly, we used to add on that God would be up all night anyway, but this is something that has stayed with me. I also lean on my family quite a lot. I am always ranting about the latest thing that is bugging me with teaching and my degree, or whatever it is that has irritated me. And, I also spend a large amount of my time watching hockey games! :) All these things helps me gain perspective and relax a little. We all need to find what helps us to decompress.

Whatever you are going through, there is life out there. It may not be obvious in the moment you are going through something painful or difficult, but "just keep swimming". Eventually, you will see the bigger picture and be able to put it down to a learning experience. Difficult situations often make us better people. they make us stronger. Once you get through something, there is so much left to accomplish and achieve.

Erin x

(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

Finding Joy In The Little Things

As we all know, schools have cliques! We don’t need to be a Wildcat and go to East High to know that! We all want to fit in. But at what cost? 

Trying to fit in with a crowd of people doesn’t allow much opportunity for you to truly be you. Call me crazy, but you can still be yourself - without compromising - and have friends. And perhaps this is the most crazy part, you don’t have to be best friends with people who make you change who you are. Now of course I am not saying here that you have to be arch rivals with those that run in different circles to you. Being civil with one another shows maturity, dignity and self-control. If someone doesn’t like who you are, the way you dress, how you have done your hair – so be it. You do! That’s what matters!

Before I went back to uni this year - I went shopping. I needed a little pick-me-up as I wasn't exactly majorly excited to get back into assignment writing and everything else that comes with uni. So retail therapy was my go-to for some motivation, something my bank account didn't take too kindly to! Anyway, one of the items that I bought was a red rucksack. My mum was listing all the advantages and practical elements of the bag, that it was 'soooo me', how good it looked on me and how I should 'dare to be different'! But I had reservations. The thing is red. Not a fire engine, in your face kind red, but red nevertheless. And whilst my initial thought was, "Hey - I like this bag!", I questioned whether others at uni would. 

Eventually I bought the bag because I liked the bag. I would be the one paying for the bag (again, the bank account was not happy with me on this particular day!). I would be the one wearing and using the bag. So it really didn't matter whether other people didn't like it. I knew my close friends wouldn't think anything of it so I didn't need to worry about all the other people that may or may not like it. 

My points here; firstly, we have to find the joy in even the smallest things. A breakfast catch-up with an old friend, a caramel latte, walking along the seafront or whatever it is that brings a little happiness to your day - even if it is buying that red bag! Unfortunately, life has a lot of darkness and pain to offer - so why don't we just do the things that make us happy (obviously as long as this doesn't turn into us being completely selfish and forgetting to respect, love and appreciate others)!

Secondly, we don't need to surround ourselves with people that constantly question who we are, our dislikes, our beliefs, our values etc. etc. We CAN and SHOULD be ourselves! On Facebook for example, if someone is being rude to you, you can unfriend them or even just block them. It's that simple. You can stop having their input come up in your news feed and their comments on your photos and status updates. 

What about in real life? Don't stick to the status quo! (Yes - I am currently singing this song in my head!) find your true friends and don't worry about the ones that aren't. They're finding themselves too! Let them. And let yourself find who you are! We are individuals; fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)! 

Erin x

My Mum is Pretty Cool!

Last week my mum was interviewed on Premier Christian radio. Yep! You did read that right. Yes - I am talking about my mum (oh so sappy!) and yes - she was on the radio.

Not going to lie, I was pretty excited to get to go with her. She let me play the tambourine! Let me just say that my tambourine skills are astonishing and my playing was stellar - I am expecting a grammy to arrive at my house any day now!

Anyway, joking aside, I am very proud of my mum. Life hasn't been too friendly with her. But she never ceases to amaze me with the strength that she has.

When she was younger, or "back in the day" as my brother and I like to say, she was a young girl with a guitar, heavily influenced by Amy Grant much to my brother's dismay. She was one of Amy Grant's biggest fans with a perm to prove her unwavering dedication!! Not only was she a fan of music, but she even began writing her own music and playing a bunch of instruments. We recently counted how many she now plays, which turns out to be around 7.

Skipping ahead a few years, she married and had 3 children - who are quite wonderful might I add - and this resulted in the three of us learning our own instruments and becoming interested in songwriting. Flash forward a few more years and she has recorded a new album. Your Heart Beating (http://www.katieclaguemusic.com). My mum graciously allowed us to be featured on the album in some way, shape or form. My brother played guitar, I played my violin, and my sister took the album photos.

The brother and his mad skills!

When she was asked to play some of her songs live she asked my brother, uncle and I to join her for the interview. Cue 'Family Von Clague'. Obviously my brother played guitar and my uncle played the cajon. Originally, I was just supposed to be tagging along until my mum came across my tambourine skills - but we already went through that! Playing my own music live would probably completely freak me out. But my mum was calm and collected about the whole thing!

You see, she always knew that music was something that God had gifted her with to share with others - and she does this so well! She has always encouraged us with our dreams (at least the realistic ones - I used to come home from my grandparents having watched Spacecamp only to lay my chair flat on the floor pretending that I was an astronaut! Stupid NASA for stopping the space shuttle program! - Clearly not exactly the most realistic). She encourages us to strive for what is best. She inspires me to work hard and give everything I can.

She is brave and courageous. She has had to deal with issues and situations that you wouldn't wish on anyone. But she is here. She is still living. And by carrying on and continuing to write, play and record music to encourage others, she encourages and inspires me!

Erin x

Mother hen and I.

It's Okay Not To Be Okay!

Obviously the last post was pretty heavy and full-on. I just felt that I needed to air out all the details and give some background so that the purpose of this blog would be clear. This one is just a short post to say thank you!! :)

I went five years without expecting and asking for any support because I was so used to dealing with my problems and any issues I had by myself. But this year, I guess as I opened up to more people, more people offered and gave their support. Many people have contacted me and spoken to me about my last post, and it has honestly been quite frightening and exciting! I never expected people to be so open to There is Life Out There and me sharing my story as they have been. It has been really encouraging as I felt that writing this blog would give me the opportunity to further deal with my experiences. So I can whole-heartedly say that I am truly grateful for the feedback I've received from everyone, even though some may have found the subject raw and difficult!

Having gone through what I have, and experiencing many emotions (being a girl I naturally have many anyway - so just times that by a million and there you go!) I'm learning that it's actually okay not to be okay! I'm learning that it's okay to ask for some help sometimes!

When we see others struggling or going through hardships, it's easier to realise that they need some encouragement and support. However, just because it's easier to know when people need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on when they are more vocal about their struggles, it is not an excuse to brush off or ignore them when they aren't as proactive in seeking support from others.

We all fight our own battles, often silently, covered cleverly by a smile. But we are social beings. We crave affection and attention. We all do! So, surely, we can all give it! We can all care and offer our support wherever and whenever possible. because at the end of the day, we will all inevitably go through an experience that challenges us and stretches us to our limits.

So, if we own it, if we take the first step and acknowledge that it's okay not to be okay all of the time, that's a step forward. And a step in the right direction!

Erin x

Looking Back and Looking Forward

Hey, my name is Erin! I’m 20 years old and currently studying to be a primary teacher at university. One more year and I will be unleashed on a class of 30 or so little children! I’m not quite sure whom I fear for the most – myself or the children!

Anyway, I know there are sooo many blogs out there already, and writing my own will just be adding another to the mix. But, for a long time I haven’t wanted to share my story. I haven’t wanted to share my experiences and feelings because I hadn’t properly dealt with them. I guess I needed to come to terms with what I had been through to get to the point where I am now. The point where I do feel comfortable sharing. Where I actually want to share my experiences in the hope that it helps someone!

So, here goes! (Just hang on in there - this first post is a little long!) At the age of 15, I lost my dad to cancer. It was a fairly quick process, around 5 months from the time he was diagnosed with a tumour to the time he died, but it felt as if it had been going on forever. My family and I would pray that our dad would die sooner rather than later so that he would no longer be in pain. It wasn’t easy seeing a man who was strong and manly turn into a skeletal figure who couldn’t even do the simple things, like open his eyes or say ‘hello’. However, at least for me, part of every one of those prayers was specifically for me. I wanted my dad to die sooner because of the pain that I was feeling.

For a long time I believed that I was selfish for wanting this. But isn’t hindsight a great thing?! Looking back now, 5 years on, I can see that it wasn’t as selfish as I once thought. I was 15. I was in the midst of exams and was beginning my GCSE’s. I had few friends that actually bothered to ask how I was doing. Even some family members were in that same boat – forgetting what we were having to deal with. I was spending the summer going in and out of hospitals and hospices. Talking with nurses and doctors. Negotiating times for my dad to return home, where he would inevitably have to return to the hospital or eventually the hospice, almost every time being taken there by an ambulance. Hardly how all my friends were spending their summer holidays.

I had a lot going on in that one summer and it didn’t finish when school started up again. I began year 11 whilst this was all still happening. Trying to make it through each day was a battle. I remember sitting in all my classes thinking about how at any moment, a teacher will come and get me to tell me that he had died, or, was being given the ‘last few hours’ checkbox. It was excruciating. Again, this pain was mine. I wanted it to end. Going home everyday only to have the process repeated over and over, day after day was torture.

Ultimately, my dad did die. And that was a whole different type of torture. The realisation of what had happened felt like a tonne of bricks being dropped on top of me, many more times than just once. But, as I did, and still do, I threw myself into my work. I spent my lunchtimes and break times in the library working on my homework. I guess I isolated myself so that I could grieve, but I don’t think I began grieving properly until fairly recently. This work ethic was learnt from my father. At his funeral, all his colleagues commented on his solid work ethic and dedication. Adopting such an approach myself improved my grades but it also cost me time with friends and a social life – not that I was much one for going out and drinking.

I isolated myself to deal with it all. I felt guilty that I was still alive and could keep going. I knew that the rest of my family were continuing with their lives too, as were all the other relatives of my dad’s, but I still felt tremendous guilt that I had the opportunity to take exams and make something of my life. There was also a lot of guilt when it came to my mum. My dad wasn’t the noblest of men that ever lived. He made mistakes at the expense of his family – and this was something I severely struggled with when he was alive, and have struggled with since his death. Due to this, I have felt a lot of guilt for wanting to move past the whole situation when my mum, and others, were and are still struggling.

Grieving is a funny thing. You think you know how to do it and NOPE!!! I couldn’t pinpoint how it is someone should grieve. Nor would I want to. All that I have learnt from my own experience is to let go of the guilt that comes along with trauma and pain. Otherwise, you let the guilt stop you from living. I let this happen – and let it continue for too long. Five years on and I am realising that for me to live, I have to rid myself of the guilt and actually move on. There are painful memories that will stay with me. There are times that I know I will have those memories return. There will be special occasions when I wish my dad were still alive. There are so many things he has already missed and there are so many that have yet to happen that he will miss. But that cannot stop me from living, I cannot be afraid of the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘what could’ve beens’!

The purpose of There is Life Out There . . . is to encourage, inspire and help one another to overcome this guilt, to realise and acknowledge the concept that there is life out there even after a traumatic event or experience – you just have to go out and find it! You have to continue living because you ARE alive!

Erin x