Sunday 21 June 2015

Struggles in Celebrations

So, clearly the first post in a while. Needless to say that life got a bit busy - and it doesn't seem like it will be letting up anytime soon - although now it's summer and time to relax amongst being busy (if that even makes sense)!

The last couple of months have been filled with milestones. I turned 21, applied and interviewed for my first job and this week brought the end of 3 years of slaving for my degree - Hallelujah! Not going to lie, I'm very happy to have finished university! However, it was, along with getting my first job and turning 21, far more emotional than I had planned or anticipated. Each were a reminder that my dad wasn't around to celebrate with - which sucked. No other way around it. It just quite frankly sucked! I saw many of my friends celebrate with both parents, and also saw others celebrate with just one, or even by themselves. But ultimately, my dad was one of the first people that I wanted to celebrate with. For all his faults, I know how excited he would've been that I got my first job and will be graduating university with a degree. I can imagine his smile, laugh and his tears (hopefully of happiness - but also sadness because I won't be graduating with a 100% mark ;) ) that he would have had on his face when telling him. 

Maybe this year will be more of a reminder of him not being here because of what is happening, and each milestone that passes feels amazing and also like being crushed by a tonne of bricks, but all of it helps. And that's what needs to be remembered. With each moment of success and failure that dredges up old memories and feelings, as well as developing new ones, helps to heal wounds a little bit more. Maybe slowly, but surely. That cliche that says 'time heals', whilst I wouldn't necessarily say it is completely true because I don't think time can ever heal losing a parent, I can see how it has helped to bring some peace, acceptance and even some hope.

That being said, time also brings new pain. Today, being Father's Day has never really got to me before. But for some reason, it really hurt today. Perhaps because of this week finding out my results and knowing how proud my dad would've been. But whatever I go through, I have to remind myself (or at least let someone else remind me, because, let's face it, I am quite stubborn) that it's all part of the process. It helps the grief, which I have come to learn is an ongoing process and doesn't happen overnight. Being strong doesn't mean never crying. It doesn't mean never needing to talk about your feelings. It means owning how you're feeling and knowing that it's okay to struggle even in times of happiness and celebration. 



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