Struggles in Celebrations

So, clearly the first post in a while. Needless to say that life got a bit busy - and it doesn't seem like it will be letting up anytime soon - although now it's summer and time to relax amongst being busy (if that even makes sense)!

The last couple of months have been filled with milestones. I turned 21, applied and interviewed for my first job and this week brought the end of 3 years of slaving for my degree - Hallelujah! Not going to lie, I'm very happy to have finished university! However, it was, along with getting my first job and turning 21, far more emotional than I had planned or anticipated. Each were a reminder that my dad wasn't around to celebrate with - which sucked. No other way around it. It just quite frankly sucked! I saw many of my friends celebrate with both parents, and also saw others celebrate with just one, or even by themselves. But ultimately, my dad was one of the first people that I wanted to celebrate with. For all his faults, I know how excited he would've been that I got my first job and will be graduating university with a degree. I can imagine his smile, laugh and his tears (hopefully of happiness - but also sadness because I won't be graduating with a 100% mark ;) ) that he would have had on his face when telling him. 

Maybe this year will be more of a reminder of him not being here because of what is happening, and each milestone that passes feels amazing and also like being crushed by a tonne of bricks, but all of it helps. And that's what needs to be remembered. With each moment of success and failure that dredges up old memories and feelings, as well as developing new ones, helps to heal wounds a little bit more. Maybe slowly, but surely. That cliche that says 'time heals', whilst I wouldn't necessarily say it is completely true because I don't think time can ever heal losing a parent, I can see how it has helped to bring some peace, acceptance and even some hope.

That being said, time also brings new pain. Today, being Father's Day has never really got to me before. But for some reason, it really hurt today. Perhaps because of this week finding out my results and knowing how proud my dad would've been. But whatever I go through, I have to remind myself (or at least let someone else remind me, because, let's face it, I am quite stubborn) that it's all part of the process. It helps the grief, which I have come to learn is an ongoing process and doesn't happen overnight. Being strong doesn't mean never crying. It doesn't mean never needing to talk about your feelings. It means owning how you're feeling and knowing that it's okay to struggle even in times of happiness and celebration. 

Life is a Roller Coaster of Emotion

This week has been emotional to say the least. And by saying this, it doesn't mean I spent the week sobbing. It was a mixture of emotions - both happy and sad, often all happening at once!

One of the big issues this week was that I was able to resolve a lot of issues relating to my dad .... It was not easy; it was awkward and a little painful to rehash everything I had felt over the past 5 years. But, it was needed. Boy, was it needed! For some reason (I can honestly say hand on heart that I don't know why it had become such an issue for me) I had grown to resent certain people for not being around when I felt they should've been. There was a great deal of bitterness, anger and disappointment that I had been, and was still feeling. However, I had been wondering for a long time what I could do to get over it. I had thought about just leaving it alone and letting it all fizzle out. But that never really get's anyone anywhere, does it? So, the only option I could see was to confront the issue and speak to these people. Believe me, I was terrified. I knew I had a point, but I was still incredibly nervous as to what their reaction would be and what they would come back to me with.

Anyway .... after about 4 and a half months, I finally managed to organise a time to meet and discuss some of the issues and questions I had with them. Thankfully, although I didn't see it at the time, I only had about 6 hours to stew and stress about what I was going to say and hear. This seriously was a blessing in disguise, because if I had had more time, say a day or the weekend, I would have been so stressed and worked up about it that I probably would have just cancelled. I know I was the one who had asked for the meeting, but the closer it got, the more terrified I was. Thankfully, again, an amazing friend of mine (you know who you are!!) encouraged me to keep the meeting and to not back out. She knew how much it meant to me and how important it was that I went through with it.

Cutting a long conversation short, a lot of questions were answered. So much was discussed and I left feeling a lot more comfortable with the whole situation, even if there will still be some unwanted feelings simmering away for a little while. However, it was nice to just sit and listen to these people and hear some stories that they remembered about my dad. They got to see a different side to him and it was good to be reminded of this. 

My point here is that I had to deal with the lemons life handed to me, and I honestly have no clue if I have made lemonade with them or not. But, what I do know is this . . . if I had just left the whole thing to sort itself out, it would have just eaten me away. And I couldn't live feeling bitter and angry every time I saw these people anymore. It wasn't healthy for anyone. So, if there is an issue that you know is eating you away, it is not worth letting it consume you. You need to deal with it in a kind way. This doesn't mean you punch someone because they have done something to you that you don't necessarily like. Believe me, there have been moments where even I have thought this would help! But the old cliché is true: violence is never the answer!

Like I have said before, everything happens for a reason - and sometimes it can be really hard to see what that reason may be. But you have to persevere and try to overcome any obstacles you may face. Because there is life out there, and we have to keep going, no matter how hard it gets. There are people that depend on us, just like there are people that we depend on. We have to fight to stay in the game - even if that means facing some awkward situations head on.

(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

Making A Beautiful Comeback

This week, there has been a video floating around on Facebook that I finally got around to watching yesterday.

To summarise, the guy in the video, Josh, lost his dad and some members of his school decided to bully him for missing his father. His story resonated with me. When you lose someone close to you, there is a mountain of emotions that you face. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. Loss. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But the pain that you face is torture itself. And for Josh, it didn't end there - the bullies decided to take it further. Cowards maybe, ignorant more likely. They (perhaps) had no idea what Josh had been through so could never understand what they were doing to him and putting him through.

Despite the pain and hurt Josh must have been feeling, he went on to triumph. And he triumphed beautifully! Just by doing something kind he did something powerful. It may not seem like much on a daily basis, but the act of kindness that Josh used to tell everyone he was still alive and not invisible moved so many in his school - they may have found it strange to begin with, but grew to look forward to it each day!

Take a moment to watch this video and see his story for yourselves - you'll be glad you did!

http://www.faithit.com/this-quiet-kid-sick-being-nobody-watch-what-did-literally-change-everything/

Erin x
(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

Happy New Year (And All That Jazz)

So ... It is now 2015! 10 days in ... Do you feel like a whole new person yet??

With another year comes the inevitable 'New Years resolutions'. And aren't they always incredibly unrealistic! How often do we try and convince ourselves that "this is the year" - to lose the extra pound or two and get in shape, eat healthy, find a new hobby or quit our jobs and just start backpacking around the world. In all fairness, sometimes these resolutions stick. But, the majority of the time they just seem to fall short before the end of January (and this is even perhaps too optimistic). We have all made resolutions, myself included, and resolutions will continue to be made by many in the hopes of encouraging and enforcing change. 

However, like I said, they rarely stick. Personally, I feel that just because the year has changed, it is still just another day that we wake up to. The transition between the 31st December and the 1st January holds no magical, mystical explanation. Seriously, it is just like every other day, where the day turns into night, and the night then brings a new day. We put way too many expectations on something that happens 364 times elsewhere in the year. Yet, we don't make resolutions for each of these days. Why? Because these 364 other days are not the beginning of the new year, silly! You can only make resolutions (which are essentially dreams, hopes, goals etc.) when it is the new year, right? WRONG!

We dream. As little children we dream. As we get older, we start setting goals, whether these be for personal reasons or for professional purposes. We do this all the time. We don't need to wait for the 1st January to roll around each year before we allow ourselves to dream and strive for what we want out of our lives. We have every day of every year to do this.

I get it. I understand why we wait until the new year. It makes sense - we think about what we want to accomplish in the coming year. But again, we have all year to do this. Would it not be better, more beneficial for us to have this kind of focus and passion all year round. We don't need to wait to feel that we can accomplish something. We are capable of doing this everyday. Sure - it may not seem like we accomplish much on a day-to-day basis, but we do. Just being able to understand a piece of homework, run that extra mile, not burn dinner is an accomplishment.

It's not that I don't make resolutions - I do - but whenever I do, I just forget about them after a week or two. Plus, they are always about me. And if you are being honest, yours are probably all about you too! Don't we spend too much time focussing on ourselves? If we are going to set resolutions, why don't we make them about other people? That way, maybe they will stand a chance of lasting a little longer than the ones you made for this year have. You will be accountable to someone else other than yourself. Potentially, there could be more pressure and encouragement to fulfil the resolutions. You could make someone happy, instead of feeling like a failure because your resolution was unrealistic and failed all too quickly.

If we all decided to allow ourselves to accomplish things throughout the year instead of waiting for the clock to turn midnight on New Year's Eve; if we all decided to focus more on other people, not just at the beginning of a new year, but throughout the year, think of the good we could do and accomplish . . .



(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

Everything Happens For A Reason

There are many times when I catch myself thinking; I wish things would go back to the way they were before.

A lot has happened in my life over the past 5/6 years. Everything with my dad, uni, Africa ....... But I do sometimes think about how things would have turned out if my dad hadn't died. Obviously that would mean that he would still be around. And yes, I do wish he was still here. But I also know how I was feeling in the years that led up to him getting sick and dying. My relationship with him, whilst not completely hostile, was not idealistic either. He spent a lot of time working, and this work ethic, I guess, has rubbed off a bit on me. I like doing well on assignments - don't necessarily like writing them (especially over Christmas ..... Uni, do you hear me?!?!) - but hey, who really does?! Due to working so much, he often just sat down in front of the TV when he got home and I began to resent him for this. He never really took the time to learn all the things a dad should know about me. He never had very deep conversations with me. I rarely spent any one-on-one time with him. Whenever my mum was working for the day, and he was looking after us, I'm pretty sure that he took us to the same places every time. As I grew older, I guess I became more bolshie and stubborn, which meant that we ended up clashing even more. Eventually, all I wanted to do was move as far away from him as possible, and with uni approaching at the time, I was thinking about this option more and more.

I hated the fact that he would become so engrossed with the football game on TV. I hated that he was so concerned about our elbows being on the table even after we had all finished eating. I hated that spilling a glass of water meant you had just committed the most heinous of crimes. The list was continuing to grow and it was growing more and more suffocating.

I know that if he were still here, I probably wouldn't still be at home. I would have more than likely ran off to some far away place to pursue a career that would mean I had to go abroad to work, just so I wouldn't have to face him everyday.

Just because I am relaying the bad aspects of my relationship with my dad does not mean that I couldn't care less that he is gone. Like I have said before, I do wish he were here still, after all he was my dad and I miss him. I wish he could see what I have accomplished so far in my life. I have thought about everything that I have done, and how differently it would have panned out if he were still alive. But at the end of the day, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason - that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Yes, what my family and I went through was horrific and terrible. No, I would never wish for anyone else to go through the same thing. And unfortunately, people do go though terrible things that are heartbreaking and devastating. But maybe they happen just to make us stronger. Maybe just to help us understand and help us empathise with others around us. Maybe just to encourage us to see, recognise and appreciate the beauty and the happiness that does exist.

My dad also had a really brilliant side to him. He could be the life and soul of a party. He had the loudest laugh (something my sister seems to have inherited). And this side of him was so joyful and fun to be around. I just wish there were more moments that I got to see this side of him!

Life could be different. And in one sense it can't be. My dad isn't alive anymore, and I can't change that. I can't change what we went through. But it another sense, life will be different. I will make it different. I will and still can do things that will make my life different for the better, not just for me, but for my family, friends and those around me.

This Christmas, my brother bought me a book that was on my 'wish list', Let's All Be Brave by Annie F. Downs (I may have only read the first couple of chapters, but I highly recommend it!). Anyway, one particular paragraph stood out to me in the first chapter. It read as follows:

"Your life, start to finish, is a map. And we are HERE. That's all I know. I don't know where you've been and I don't know where your map will take you. I only know there will be moments when you feel like the map has turned or changed and moments when you realise you've read this map wrong all along. You will crumple it up and throw it down, only to return to it for direction ..."

How true is this?! We don't know where our lives will take us. We have to have faith and trust that they will turn out okay, and we have to accept that life does not turn out as planned! But, we can know for sure that in life, everything happens for a reason - God never gives us more than we can handle (even though it so often feels like he does!). I never thought my family would have to experience cancer so personally, but we did. Whilst there are things in our lives we may want to change, we have to understand that it is not always possible to do so. Sometimes, if you want to see the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain!

Erin x

(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

Band Aid 30

By now, you have most probably heard Band Aid 30's charity single in support of Ebola. It has had plenty of radio attention (I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have heard it playing), is accompanied by a music video, and has recordings in other languages. The celebrities involved range from Ed Sheeran and Sam Smith, to YouTube stars Zoella and Alfie. Plenty of recognisable faces and voices. You would think that with these celebrities all joining forces to promote raising money for the Ebola crisis, it would be a positive thing, right?! Yet the single, and all that surrounds it, has received some criticism.

Some people have taken issue with the fact that these celebrities make a tonne of money, yet are asking other people to donate. Naturally, I think this is fair. They do make a ridiculous amount of money, so if they combined their earnings this would go a long way in supporting many charities and the work that they do. However, does this mean that the rest of us just sit back and allow them to do the heavy lifting so to speak (clearly, this would not be the most physically strenuous of tasks)? Absolutely not!! We should all be caring for one another and should all take an interest in doing so. All lives are important! We probably have more than we need. We probably live beyond our needs. We probably have the means to contribute to the lives of others. For example, if you buy 3 coffees from Starbucks a week, this money could go towards sponsoring a child through Compassion. That's only 3 (overpriced) coffees! 

Additionally, both Adele and Lily Allen have reportedly come out saying that they didn't feel they needed to get involved with the single as they have been charitable behind closed doors. This is also fair. Ultimately, being charitable doesn't need to be a visual act. You don't need to have cameras following you around when giving free food to homeless people. You don't need to publicly declare you are donating to such and such a charity. Giving to charity is a personal decision - one that does not need to be announced or recorded for the world to see. This could actually turn a charitable act into a selfish act, as one would then be doing something in the hope of drawing favourable attention to themselves. 

On the other hand, however, taking part in the latest social media movement or telling a friend you are donating to your favourite charity is not always a terrible idea. Take the ice bucket challenge for example, or even the no make-up selfie. Both cooked up a storm on social media (perhaps the ice bucket challenge did to a greater extent), but both encouraged exposure to their respective charities, and all the other charities that individuals decided to donate to. As long as people were actually donating, should we take issue with people doing such things? It could be argued that it takes the attention away from the charity it is intending to support. But it can also be argued that it gives the charity the attention it deserves.

When we look at all the celebrities involved with Band Aid 30, immediately we look for those we recognise. If we recognise them, watch their videos or listen to their music, we are more likely to listen to them when they talk about charity. We are more likely to follow their lead. Perhaps celebrities shouldn't have such a influence or an impact on the rest of us, but they do, and in particular with the younger generations. If they say "jump", kids say "how high" - take One Direction (who also participated in this single). So instead of taking issue with the fact that celebrities are asking the rest of us to donate to whatever charity, we should be thankful they are encouraging those willing to donate. We have to trust that they too are donating, but like us, maybe they just don't want to announce they have donating because there is bound to be someone who will take issue with them doing that! 

As Christmas looms, and we all begin to get into the Christmas spirit with tinsel, festive music playing in the background and waaaaay too much food, we should think of those less fortunate than ourselves. If we are in a position to help, let's help! Even if this means the cliche example of helping that old lady to cross the road. It doesn't have to be something big. It just means you doing what you can with what you have. 

Christmas is a time of giving. So let's give.

Here is the video (just in case you haven't seen it yet). 

Erin x

(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)

Oh Tanzania!

This time last year I was in Tanzania. As part of my degree, we had the opportunity to experience teaching in an alternate setting, so obviously I had to choose one of the more expensive options and go to Africa. It was all totally and completely worth it!

Obviously, the chance to go abroad to teach was very popular, so we had to apply for a place. The stress levels in doing this! When we eventually found out that we had been chosen for a place for the trip, we only had around 5 weeks until we actually flew out. Anyone who has planned a trip abroad has mostly likely done so with more than 5 weeks preparation and would probably agree that this is a ridiculous amount of time to plan a trip to Africa for a week, let alone a month. However, we managed it - I honestly don't know how, I think we were running around like headless chickens during this period - but we managed it! We had all our vaccinations, bought our malaria tablets, got all the mosquito nets and sleeping bags that we needed, bought a load of appropriate clothing for the Tanzanian weather (not an easy task when it was winter!) and gathered a tonne of resources that we would need for our lessons. Overall, it was really stressful!

At our welcoming party (naturally I found the NHL hoody!)

Despite the rush of getting ready for this trip, the entire time in Africa was amazing! We stayed at an orphanage that was connected to a church and the school at which we taught. Mama and Pastor and everyone else at the orphanage were incredibly welcoming, which made it really easy to get used to our new surroundings! The whole toilet/shower situation was one aspect that may have taken longer to get used to! We definitely take running water and flushing toilets for granted - I figured this out when we got overly excited and started crying after finding a flushing toilet (okay, maybe that was just me!). 

Rain coats definitely came in handy!

When you think about living in Africa, I bet the first thing you think of is the heat, right? Well, it rained A LOT in Tanzania. And every time it did, we lost power! Pretty sure this happened almost every day or so! Eventually you get used to it - that is until you hear a bug buzzing around near where you are sitting and then being in the dark becomes a little too much. Thankfully, the group that went to Tanzania the year before ours suggested we invest in some head torches. We did, and they came in very handy with the amount of power cuts we had!

Busting a move . . .

All the children at the orphanage were always so happy and excited to see us! We spent a lot of time playing with them outside - which mostly consisted of them stealing our phones and cameras to take hundreds of selfies!! They also taught us to dance (move over Beyonce!) - which came in handy when a few of us joined in with the dancing in the church service. Their church was very lively and praised like they had no distractions. They took great pride in their beliefs and didn't care that we were there, they just encouraged and welcomed us to join in! 

Our attempt at cooking bites!

The food we ate consisted of bread, rice and spaghetti. We had these three things every day!! (Having lasagne as my first meal when I arrived back in England wasn't the smartest of ideas!) We also had chapatis quite often - just because we kept asking for them. They are delicious. We were taught how to cook them along with bites, which are very similar in taste to doughnuts - just a little drier. In exchange, we introduced our new friends to garlic butter, which went down pretty well!  

Goofing around with Standard 3.

The teaching itself was intense. Out of the four weeks we spent in Tanzania, two were spent teaching. We ended up being left with the entire school, over 100 pupils between six of us. Whilst I found this incredibly daunting initially, I feel it greatly benefitted my practice and ability to be versatile in my teaching and lessons! Although, when it came to the Kiswahili lessons (their equivalent on English lessons) I just either ended up letting them teach me Swahili, or using the time finish off the learning from another lesson. 

Planning and teaching lessons in Tanzania is completely different to planning and teaching in England. In Tanzania, we managed to buy some teacher planning books, where only 1 page is allocated for each lesson. Many teachers may feel that this is not an adequate amount of space for each lesson, but it was pure bliss! There was so much less pressure to plan the 'perfect' lesson. But that didn't mean our lessons weren't great (even if i do say so myself)! Honestly, I would spend probably no more than 15 minutes maximum on thinking, planning and writing out a lesson, and I would feel comfortable teaching any of these in primary schools in England. In comparison to planning now, I spend probably a couple of hours on each lesson! I get really pedantic about the whole thing, especially if it is for an observation lesson, which just piles on a whole extra amount of pressure! We get told at uni that the time we spend planning will decrease as we grow in experience and get used to having our own class. I really really really hope it does!

Ba-na-na, Ba-na-na-na!

In addition to the teaching, we were able to travel around and do some amazing things! We went to the local markets and saw an abundance of bananas (literally - I have never seen soooo many!!), and we bought some beautiful fabric that was turned into skirts, trousers and bags for us!! 

The beautiful Martha!

Also, where we were in Tanzania meant we could see Mount Kilimanjaro - so one of the amazing girls that we met (Martha) woke us up at 6am to see it. Soo incredible! I wish we had more time so that we could have climbed Kili, even if only for an hour! ;)

We debated whether to plan a trip to Zanzibar for the final weekend, or whether to go on safari. Going on safari won, so we decided to go to a hotel for the final week!

At the Honey Badger Lodge!

Zebra crossing ;)

We visited Lake Manyara and Tarangire National Park. Both were spectacular! At Lake Manyara, we had elephants walking in an arm's reach of the safari truck - which was beyond awesome! We saw so many incredible animals from elephants to giraffes, water-hogs to antelopes, a lion to baboons. Sure you can see some of them in your local zoo, but seeing them in their natural habitat is way better! And being on a safari truck is an experience in itself - I lost count of the amount of bruises I got and the amount of times I hit my head! :)

Real-life Jungle Book!

One of the nights on safari was spent camping in Tarangire National Park. Was not as bad as it sounds. The tents were really big and we had flushing toilets and showers!!! However, we did have members of the Maasai tribe guarding us throughout the night just incase any wild animal decided to get close to the camp! The Maasai tribe also welcomed us to the camp with their traditional chanting and jumping - when it is dark and they jump and scream in your face, it is both funny and terrifying!

Members of the Maasai tribe.

After our safari trip, we spent the day in Moshi, where some serious souvenir shopping was done!! I possibly spent a ridiculous amount of money of souvenirs, but in my defence, they were not all for me. They were presents and gifts for friends and family! Nevertheless - my suitcase, whilst lighter from the lack of resources, was a little full when flying back to England!

Amazingly, this all survived the journey home!

Just thinking about the whole trip now, I am so grateful that it happened! There were plenty of times where I was homesick, particularly when FaceTime decided to work intermittently. But I know that it was a once in a lifetime trip! That being said - I am desperate to and am sure I will go back to Africa, not just to Tanzania, but also to a load of the other African countries! It is such a beautiful place and all the people we met were so happy and grateful themselves! They may not have all that we take for granted and get distracted by, but they were content in the lives that they lived. 

We have so much choice, that even choosing a brand of hot chocolate takes serious thought and consideration. This trip showed me that you do not need all the latest gadgets and gizmos to be happy. I know, it's easy to say this when they are so available and accessible to us! But when did we decide that focussing on material wealth was what life was about? The people around us are more valuable than any phone or laptop. The relationships we have, the way we act and treat others holds more importance than any salary we could get! 

Tanzania highlighted to me the importance of faith and family. I saw how much pride the church family that welcomed us with open arms had! They were bold in their faith and encouraged us to be the same! They supported their families and friends and made me appreciate all of the people in my life much more.

There are once in a lifetime trips. And then there are once in a lifetime trips that change your life. Tanzania was the latter! Just being able to say I have been to Africa - something I had always wanted to do, but never thought would actually happen - proves that you can do great things, go to foreign and unfamiliar places and meet new people even after going through what I have. There is life out there, and I can still do amazing things with my life, no matter what adversities I may face! There is still so much beauty to be found in life - and if we accept it, we all have the opportunity to find it!

Erin x

(thereislifeoutthere123@gmail.com)