Finding Joy In The Little Things

As we all know, schools have cliques! We don’t need to be a Wildcat and go to East High to know that! We all want to fit in. But at what cost? 

Trying to fit in with a crowd of people doesn’t allow much opportunity for you to truly be you. Call me crazy, but you can still be yourself - without compromising - and have friends. And perhaps this is the most crazy part, you don’t have to be best friends with people who make you change who you are. Now of course I am not saying here that you have to be arch rivals with those that run in different circles to you. Being civil with one another shows maturity, dignity and self-control. If someone doesn’t like who you are, the way you dress, how you have done your hair – so be it. You do! That’s what matters!

Before I went back to uni this year - I went shopping. I needed a little pick-me-up as I wasn't exactly majorly excited to get back into assignment writing and everything else that comes with uni. So retail therapy was my go-to for some motivation, something my bank account didn't take too kindly to! Anyway, one of the items that I bought was a red rucksack. My mum was listing all the advantages and practical elements of the bag, that it was 'soooo me', how good it looked on me and how I should 'dare to be different'! But I had reservations. The thing is red. Not a fire engine, in your face kind red, but red nevertheless. And whilst my initial thought was, "Hey - I like this bag!", I questioned whether others at uni would. 

Eventually I bought the bag because I liked the bag. I would be the one paying for the bag (again, the bank account was not happy with me on this particular day!). I would be the one wearing and using the bag. So it really didn't matter whether other people didn't like it. I knew my close friends wouldn't think anything of it so I didn't need to worry about all the other people that may or may not like it. 

My points here; firstly, we have to find the joy in even the smallest things. A breakfast catch-up with an old friend, a caramel latte, walking along the seafront or whatever it is that brings a little happiness to your day - even if it is buying that red bag! Unfortunately, life has a lot of darkness and pain to offer - so why don't we just do the things that make us happy (obviously as long as this doesn't turn into us being completely selfish and forgetting to respect, love and appreciate others)!

Secondly, we don't need to surround ourselves with people that constantly question who we are, our dislikes, our beliefs, our values etc. etc. We CAN and SHOULD be ourselves! On Facebook for example, if someone is being rude to you, you can unfriend them or even just block them. It's that simple. You can stop having their input come up in your news feed and their comments on your photos and status updates. 

What about in real life? Don't stick to the status quo! (Yes - I am currently singing this song in my head!) find your true friends and don't worry about the ones that aren't. They're finding themselves too! Let them. And let yourself find who you are! We are individuals; fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)! 

Erin x

My Mum is Pretty Cool!

Last week my mum was interviewed on Premier Christian radio. Yep! You did read that right. Yes - I am talking about my mum (oh so sappy!) and yes - she was on the radio.

Not going to lie, I was pretty excited to get to go with her. She let me play the tambourine! Let me just say that my tambourine skills are astonishing and my playing was stellar - I am expecting a grammy to arrive at my house any day now!

Anyway, joking aside, I am very proud of my mum. Life hasn't been too friendly with her. But she never ceases to amaze me with the strength that she has.

When she was younger, or "back in the day" as my brother and I like to say, she was a young girl with a guitar, heavily influenced by Amy Grant much to my brother's dismay. She was one of Amy Grant's biggest fans with a perm to prove her unwavering dedication!! Not only was she a fan of music, but she even began writing her own music and playing a bunch of instruments. We recently counted how many she now plays, which turns out to be around 7.

Skipping ahead a few years, she married and had 3 children - who are quite wonderful might I add - and this resulted in the three of us learning our own instruments and becoming interested in songwriting. Flash forward a few more years and she has recorded a new album. Your Heart Beating (http://www.katieclaguemusic.com). My mum graciously allowed us to be featured on the album in some way, shape or form. My brother played guitar, I played my violin, and my sister took the album photos.

The brother and his mad skills!

When she was asked to play some of her songs live she asked my brother, uncle and I to join her for the interview. Cue 'Family Von Clague'. Obviously my brother played guitar and my uncle played the cajon. Originally, I was just supposed to be tagging along until my mum came across my tambourine skills - but we already went through that! Playing my own music live would probably completely freak me out. But my mum was calm and collected about the whole thing!

You see, she always knew that music was something that God had gifted her with to share with others - and she does this so well! She has always encouraged us with our dreams (at least the realistic ones - I used to come home from my grandparents having watched Spacecamp only to lay my chair flat on the floor pretending that I was an astronaut! Stupid NASA for stopping the space shuttle program! - Clearly not exactly the most realistic). She encourages us to strive for what is best. She inspires me to work hard and give everything I can.

She is brave and courageous. She has had to deal with issues and situations that you wouldn't wish on anyone. But she is here. She is still living. And by carrying on and continuing to write, play and record music to encourage others, she encourages and inspires me!

Erin x

Mother hen and I.

It's Okay Not To Be Okay!

Obviously the last post was pretty heavy and full-on. I just felt that I needed to air out all the details and give some background so that the purpose of this blog would be clear. This one is just a short post to say thank you!! :)

I went five years without expecting and asking for any support because I was so used to dealing with my problems and any issues I had by myself. But this year, I guess as I opened up to more people, more people offered and gave their support. Many people have contacted me and spoken to me about my last post, and it has honestly been quite frightening and exciting! I never expected people to be so open to There is Life Out There and me sharing my story as they have been. It has been really encouraging as I felt that writing this blog would give me the opportunity to further deal with my experiences. So I can whole-heartedly say that I am truly grateful for the feedback I've received from everyone, even though some may have found the subject raw and difficult!

Having gone through what I have, and experiencing many emotions (being a girl I naturally have many anyway - so just times that by a million and there you go!) I'm learning that it's actually okay not to be okay! I'm learning that it's okay to ask for some help sometimes!

When we see others struggling or going through hardships, it's easier to realise that they need some encouragement and support. However, just because it's easier to know when people need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on when they are more vocal about their struggles, it is not an excuse to brush off or ignore them when they aren't as proactive in seeking support from others.

We all fight our own battles, often silently, covered cleverly by a smile. But we are social beings. We crave affection and attention. We all do! So, surely, we can all give it! We can all care and offer our support wherever and whenever possible. because at the end of the day, we will all inevitably go through an experience that challenges us and stretches us to our limits.

So, if we own it, if we take the first step and acknowledge that it's okay not to be okay all of the time, that's a step forward. And a step in the right direction!

Erin x

Looking Back and Looking Forward

Hey, my name is Erin! I’m 20 years old and currently studying to be a primary teacher at university. One more year and I will be unleashed on a class of 30 or so little children! I’m not quite sure whom I fear for the most – myself or the children!

Anyway, I know there are sooo many blogs out there already, and writing my own will just be adding another to the mix. But, for a long time I haven’t wanted to share my story. I haven’t wanted to share my experiences and feelings because I hadn’t properly dealt with them. I guess I needed to come to terms with what I had been through to get to the point where I am now. The point where I do feel comfortable sharing. Where I actually want to share my experiences in the hope that it helps someone!

So, here goes! (Just hang on in there - this first post is a little long!) At the age of 15, I lost my dad to cancer. It was a fairly quick process, around 5 months from the time he was diagnosed with a tumour to the time he died, but it felt as if it had been going on forever. My family and I would pray that our dad would die sooner rather than later so that he would no longer be in pain. It wasn’t easy seeing a man who was strong and manly turn into a skeletal figure who couldn’t even do the simple things, like open his eyes or say ‘hello’. However, at least for me, part of every one of those prayers was specifically for me. I wanted my dad to die sooner because of the pain that I was feeling.

For a long time I believed that I was selfish for wanting this. But isn’t hindsight a great thing?! Looking back now, 5 years on, I can see that it wasn’t as selfish as I once thought. I was 15. I was in the midst of exams and was beginning my GCSE’s. I had few friends that actually bothered to ask how I was doing. Even some family members were in that same boat – forgetting what we were having to deal with. I was spending the summer going in and out of hospitals and hospices. Talking with nurses and doctors. Negotiating times for my dad to return home, where he would inevitably have to return to the hospital or eventually the hospice, almost every time being taken there by an ambulance. Hardly how all my friends were spending their summer holidays.

I had a lot going on in that one summer and it didn’t finish when school started up again. I began year 11 whilst this was all still happening. Trying to make it through each day was a battle. I remember sitting in all my classes thinking about how at any moment, a teacher will come and get me to tell me that he had died, or, was being given the ‘last few hours’ checkbox. It was excruciating. Again, this pain was mine. I wanted it to end. Going home everyday only to have the process repeated over and over, day after day was torture.

Ultimately, my dad did die. And that was a whole different type of torture. The realisation of what had happened felt like a tonne of bricks being dropped on top of me, many more times than just once. But, as I did, and still do, I threw myself into my work. I spent my lunchtimes and break times in the library working on my homework. I guess I isolated myself so that I could grieve, but I don’t think I began grieving properly until fairly recently. This work ethic was learnt from my father. At his funeral, all his colleagues commented on his solid work ethic and dedication. Adopting such an approach myself improved my grades but it also cost me time with friends and a social life – not that I was much one for going out and drinking.

I isolated myself to deal with it all. I felt guilty that I was still alive and could keep going. I knew that the rest of my family were continuing with their lives too, as were all the other relatives of my dad’s, but I still felt tremendous guilt that I had the opportunity to take exams and make something of my life. There was also a lot of guilt when it came to my mum. My dad wasn’t the noblest of men that ever lived. He made mistakes at the expense of his family – and this was something I severely struggled with when he was alive, and have struggled with since his death. Due to this, I have felt a lot of guilt for wanting to move past the whole situation when my mum, and others, were and are still struggling.

Grieving is a funny thing. You think you know how to do it and NOPE!!! I couldn’t pinpoint how it is someone should grieve. Nor would I want to. All that I have learnt from my own experience is to let go of the guilt that comes along with trauma and pain. Otherwise, you let the guilt stop you from living. I let this happen – and let it continue for too long. Five years on and I am realising that for me to live, I have to rid myself of the guilt and actually move on. There are painful memories that will stay with me. There are times that I know I will have those memories return. There will be special occasions when I wish my dad were still alive. There are so many things he has already missed and there are so many that have yet to happen that he will miss. But that cannot stop me from living, I cannot be afraid of the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘what could’ve beens’!

The purpose of There is Life Out There . . . is to encourage, inspire and help one another to overcome this guilt, to realise and acknowledge the concept that there is life out there even after a traumatic event or experience – you just have to go out and find it! You have to continue living because you ARE alive!

Erin x